Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized and they made up. However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done.

"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read:

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

"What did she say?" asked the friend.

The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth.

On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

My friend Allison adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to be neutered.

"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.

"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Allison asked.

"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."

"He already lies on the couch all day," she said. "If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."

A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.

But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to one of my daughters one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What is your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat.

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat."

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear."

"OK darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news."

"Okay," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"

A hot-headed golfer with a penchant for breaking clubs was playing one day when he came to the 16th hole, where he faced an approach shot across a ravine.

He said to his caddie, "What kind of distance do we have, son?"

The caddie replied, "About 135, sir."

"My 6 iron, please," said the hothead.

His caddie replied, "It's going to have to be either a 3 iron or 3 wood, sir. That's all that's left in the bag!"

We went to the movies the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a person from the center of the row got up and started working their way across.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time the person got to me I was trying to see the screen and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" was the loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.

"What seems to be the problem, madam?"

"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ... LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.

"What's the matter, darling?" he asked her.

"I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it."

"Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog."

My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."

Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.

During the discussion, she asked. "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"

The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."

The first-time father, beside himself with excitement over the birth of his son, was determined to do everything right.

"So, tell me, Nurse," he asked as his new family headed out the hospital door, "what time should we wake the little guy in the morning?"

You Know You Live in a Small Town When...

The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's tractor.

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.

You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Kyle and Justin were about to eat with the baby sitter when 6-year-old Kyle said, "You can't sit in Daddy's seat!"

"Daddy's not home," the baby sitter replied. "Since I'm responsible for you while he's gone, I can sit here. Today I'm the boss."

Justin, the 4 year old, quickly piped up, "If you're the boss, you sit need to sit over there in Mommy's chair!"

At the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

An Army private filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course was stymied by the question, "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote, "Since 1776."

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, a juror is asleep."

The judge ruled: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

"How is it that you never married?"

"I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now, surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one ... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl ... the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything ... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her?"

"She was looking for the perfect man."

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman rushed to help him.

As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right, Honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

At 3:00 a.m. the young wife shook her husband awake, telling him to check the baby.

He sat up for a full minute listening, then protested, "But I don't hear her crying."

"I know." she replied, "It's your turn to go see why not!"

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches.

I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin.

As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!"

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.

"Don`t Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I`ll land this baby!"

Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"

Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.

"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"

"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm ok but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"OOPS!"

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer.

"Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine, I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.

"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.

"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.

"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?"

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tone, "Pay me in advance."

A class professor was giving a lecture on company slogans and was asking his students if they were familiar with them.

"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan, FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES?"

Joe answered the correct airline.

"Brenda, can you tell me which company has the slogan, DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT?"

Brenda answered the correct credit card company with no difficulty.

"Now John, tell me which company bears the slogan, JUST DO IT?"

And John answered, "Mom."

When my granddaughter was about five years old she said, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you."

It brought tears to my eyes upon hearing what I thought was a wonderful compliment. Of course, I had to ask, "Why do you want to be like me?"

She replied, "Because when I get old I still want to be alive too."

On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.

After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the "Think Before You Say Things To Your Wife Foundation," Dallas, Texas.

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public. So, when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice," What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home, I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package, but no one was home. I'll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!"

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh good!" she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages!"

"What is it?" I asked.

"My husband's new hearing aid."

My cousin applied for a job as an insurance salesman.

Where the form requested "prior experience," he jotted down "Lifeguard." Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but, who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the Insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I could not swim," my cousin replied.

He got the job.

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.

"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"

"Certainly," replied the applicant.

"It means I don't get the job."

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.

The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."

"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.

"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one.

Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

A little girl was softly saying her nightly prayers kneeling down, and her mother was beside her.

"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you," Said the mother.

"But I'm not talking to you," was the girls instant reply.

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.

In one package, Little Johnny found some panty hose and he began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look, Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"

The shipwrecked mariner had spent a number of years on a deserted island.

Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis. had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office and amazingly emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I'd hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker control.

My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped.

However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may be in trouble anyway.

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.

"Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"